A few weeks ago, after several disturbing incidents involving young people, I wrote about children becoming desensitized to violence and how to reassure them when frightening news makes them ask, “Can that happen to me?”

I did not expect to have both conversations with my own children this soon.

The Aug. 18 shooting at the Ateneo de Zamboanga University Junior High School campus left two students dead, including the shooter, and two others injured. The incident was livestreamed, and authorities are investigating.

For parents, difficult questions follow. How could this happen inside a school? How did a student get access to firearms? Could it happen where our own children study?

There is another question we should ask—What are our children seeing on their phones right now?

Conversations with our children can happen anytime and anywhere, during meals, in the car, while waiting for something, or when a child casually mentions something a classmate sent in a group chat. Sometimes they tell us something troubling almost in passing. We have to listen closely enough to notice.

The relationship we have with our children matters. It does not mean they will tell us everything, especially as they get older. But if they know they can come to us without immediately being judged, lectured, or punished, there is a better chance they will talk when something is bothering them.

There is no single age for these conversations. Even young children may hear about disturbing events from other people or media. What matters is keeping the explanation simple, honest, and appropriate for what they can understand. Start by asking what they already know, then answer their questions without giving graphic details.

When I spoke with developmental pediatrician Dr. Jack Herrin about children becoming desensitized to violence, he stressed the importance of parents staying involved in what their children are exposed to and talking about what they see.

When frightening news involves children their own age, we do not have to wait for them to bring it up. We can ask: Have you heard what happened? What have your friends been saying? Did anyone send you the video? Did you watch it? What was your immediate reaction?

Psychologist Raph G. Doval-Santos gave similar advice when we discussed how children process frightening news. He suggested finding out how they feel about what they have heard or seen. Sometimes, a simple question such as “How does that news make you feel?” is enough to get them talking. Before starting the conversation, it also helps to make sure we are calm enough to listen.

Whenever something like this happens, my husband and I usually talk about it first and remind each other, “We need to talk about this with the kids over dinner tonight.”

We do not bring these things up to scare them. But staying silent does not mean our children will not hear about it from friends, group chats, or social media. We would rather talk about it with them and give them the chance to ask questions.

That night, we stayed a little longer at the dining table and told our children what had happened. We also told them not to look for or watch the video of the shooting if someone sent it to them.

We have had these conversations before, sometimes because of the things our children watch or the games they play.

When our teenage son started playing first-person shooter video games, my husband would sometimes play with him and his friends. It became a way to bond, but also a chance to talk about the game and violence in general.

Playing a shooting game was never the same as real-life violence in our home. We wanted our children to understand the difference between playing a game and what it means when someone is actually hurt or killed.

We aren’t trying to interrogate them. We simply want to give them time to talk while we listen to what they really think or feel. We can also acknowledge that something frightening happened, answer what we can, and remind them of the people working to keep them safe.

Our children should also know that if disturbing footage is sent to them or appears on their feed, they do not have to watch, respond, or pass it on. They can leave the group chat, block or report an account, and tell us what happened.

If they have already seen it, try not to react with anger. Ask how it made them feel and give them time to talk about it. In the next few days, watch for trouble sleeping, unusual anxiety, or repeatedly returning to what they saw.

The Zamboanga attack was livestreamed through a body-worn camera, giving viewers a first-person view of what happened. The footage itself is disturbing. As parents, it is even more worrying to know that our children could easily come across it online.

We no longer have to search for violent footage to come across it. The same can happen to our children through their feeds, group chats, or messages from friends.

The Council for the Welfare of Children has cautioned against circulating graphic clips and sensitive material involving minors following the shooting. The Cybercrime Investigation and Coordinating Center has also asked the public to stop spreading graphic images and videos connected to the incident.

Manila Bulletin’s Information and Communications Technology Department assistant vice president, Art Samaniego Jr., made a similar appeal on his Facebook account: “Ang dapat nating gawing viral ay information on how to prevent another tragedy, hindi ang footage ng tragedy itself (What we should make viral is information on how to prevent another tragedy, not footage of the tragedy itself).”

I couldn’t agree more.

There is a difference between knowing what happened and watching it happen. We need the facts and answers about school safety and access to firearms. We do not need to keep replaying the moment someone was hurt or killed, or send it to our children. If footage may have value as evidence, it should be turned over to the proper authorities instead of posted publicly or forwarded to group chats.

Parents also set an example. Before we forward something disturbing, we should ask ourselves: Does anyone really need to see this? If the answer is no, don’t share it.

Talking about violence with our children should not begin only when something terrible happens. We can watch what they watch from time to time, ask about the games they play, know who their friends are, and listen when they tell us stories that may seem small.

Our relationship with them is built on ordinary days, when we listen without turning every conversation into a lecture and make it clear that difficult subjects are allowed at home, even when the answers make us uncomfortable.

There will be investigations into what happened in Zamboanga, and many questions will need answers.

At home, we have our own work to do.

When violent footage appears on our screens, we can choose not to pass it on. But just as important is making sure our children know they can come to us when something scares, confuses, or troubles them.

We may not always have the answers, but we can be there to listen, talk, and help them make sense of what they see.