HOTSPOT
Tonyo Cruz
It is said that the family is the basic unity of society. Who would oppose that? No one. But there are a lot of backward ideas about it, and they are not helpful to families and it’s members.
There are extended families, or those that include grandparents, titos, titas, cousins, nieces and nephews.
Often, problems begin when there’s patriarchy and seniority, the complete lack of responsibility or sense of entitlement of some members, and the view that children are investments.
There are disputes arising from land and property. Whether small or big, partitioning "mana" among siblings is a rich trove for telenovela stories. In some cases, a sibling secretly pawns the land title to obtain capital for his business. That sibling, whose business thrived from the loan, would then shamelessly refuse to pay back the loan, and instead tells other siblings to pay it. The nerve, right?
There are the social climbers and “Marites” among family members. They’re the usual suspects during reunions and holiday gatherings. They pit one member against another, look down on those who they deem lower in the social ladder, and spread gossip and venom in many situations.
Some families treat certain members as mere neighbors. They don’t see beyond their own narrow-minded views or expectations.
Other families would even lock the small family mausoleum. They would like other family members to beg them access to the tombs, in a remarkable display of fake clout. What they don’t know, they lock in their dead relatives in the tombs and deny them the free unimpeded veneration of family.
As a student of sociology, I find the family as a fascinating subject. It is quickly affected or influenced by social, economic, cultural, religious and political factors. It may either be a refuge, or a pressure cooker.
After my Mama’s passing, my Dad, siblings and myself leaned on family for strength. We wouldn’t have been able to do what we needed to do without the support of Mama’s sisters and brothers and the Memije family. Dad had Nanang Nene and Tata Rey. I was happy to see my cousin Mary Jane; she went to Bulacan to see us. Our cousins Adonis and Val video-called from Australia.
We also have adopted or adoptive families: friends Mama and ourselves made along the way. They may not be blood relatives, but they exerted a lot of effort in our time of need, without any drama. They swiftly took action, travelled either to San Rafael or Sta. Mesa, offered to help in any way, or just offered a shoulder to cry on.
Dad was inconsolable. He misses how Mama took good care of his needs especially after the stroke. How she tended our house. How she managed to teach while in the middle of everything. We are now looking to the future, and we can only attempt to fill the huge void left by Mama.
We are really lucky that Mama made a lot of friends, and was considered a second Mama by many of her students. She wasn’t a mere neighbor, or a lifeless body whose wake must have all the niceties of a rural wake to give some relatives a backdrop for social climbing or to pretend to be concerned. Her friends, or her adopted families, testified through their actions that Mama was a good friend, a great teacher, an outstanding leader. That was the most important, because that proved Mama lived a meaningful life.
On a bigger plane, we are actually a nation of families. Many pressures come from outside our families. Many have fled the country to go to other places where there’s less intolerable pressure and more fairness. Many continue to move from towns to cities, from provinces to metropolitan areas.
Many families would be better off if society provides a national healthcare system, full employment, living wages, fairness for all, a justice system that quickly and fairly settles disputes, a humane retirement for seniors, the right to privacy and dignity of individuals, and other important matters that elevate and empower families and individuals. To achieve all or any of these, more solidarity is needed, less divisive “Marites” attitudes, and our families rising above pettiness and discarding outdated beliefs.
Thinking big is key. Solidarity is the other key. Otherwise, we descend to bickering and depression in the narrow confines of nuclear and even extended families, and kid ourselves that we have no choice other than doing things alone.
Tonyo Cruz
It is said that the family is the basic unity of society. Who would oppose that? No one. But there are a lot of backward ideas about it, and they are not helpful to families and it’s members.
There are extended families, or those that include grandparents, titos, titas, cousins, nieces and nephews.
Often, problems begin when there’s patriarchy and seniority, the complete lack of responsibility or sense of entitlement of some members, and the view that children are investments.
There are disputes arising from land and property. Whether small or big, partitioning "mana" among siblings is a rich trove for telenovela stories. In some cases, a sibling secretly pawns the land title to obtain capital for his business. That sibling, whose business thrived from the loan, would then shamelessly refuse to pay back the loan, and instead tells other siblings to pay it. The nerve, right?
There are the social climbers and “Marites” among family members. They’re the usual suspects during reunions and holiday gatherings. They pit one member against another, look down on those who they deem lower in the social ladder, and spread gossip and venom in many situations.
Some families treat certain members as mere neighbors. They don’t see beyond their own narrow-minded views or expectations.
Other families would even lock the small family mausoleum. They would like other family members to beg them access to the tombs, in a remarkable display of fake clout. What they don’t know, they lock in their dead relatives in the tombs and deny them the free unimpeded veneration of family.
As a student of sociology, I find the family as a fascinating subject. It is quickly affected or influenced by social, economic, cultural, religious and political factors. It may either be a refuge, or a pressure cooker.
After my Mama’s passing, my Dad, siblings and myself leaned on family for strength. We wouldn’t have been able to do what we needed to do without the support of Mama’s sisters and brothers and the Memije family. Dad had Nanang Nene and Tata Rey. I was happy to see my cousin Mary Jane; she went to Bulacan to see us. Our cousins Adonis and Val video-called from Australia.
We also have adopted or adoptive families: friends Mama and ourselves made along the way. They may not be blood relatives, but they exerted a lot of effort in our time of need, without any drama. They swiftly took action, travelled either to San Rafael or Sta. Mesa, offered to help in any way, or just offered a shoulder to cry on.
Dad was inconsolable. He misses how Mama took good care of his needs especially after the stroke. How she tended our house. How she managed to teach while in the middle of everything. We are now looking to the future, and we can only attempt to fill the huge void left by Mama.
We are really lucky that Mama made a lot of friends, and was considered a second Mama by many of her students. She wasn’t a mere neighbor, or a lifeless body whose wake must have all the niceties of a rural wake to give some relatives a backdrop for social climbing or to pretend to be concerned. Her friends, or her adopted families, testified through their actions that Mama was a good friend, a great teacher, an outstanding leader. That was the most important, because that proved Mama lived a meaningful life.
On a bigger plane, we are actually a nation of families. Many pressures come from outside our families. Many have fled the country to go to other places where there’s less intolerable pressure and more fairness. Many continue to move from towns to cities, from provinces to metropolitan areas.
Many families would be better off if society provides a national healthcare system, full employment, living wages, fairness for all, a justice system that quickly and fairly settles disputes, a humane retirement for seniors, the right to privacy and dignity of individuals, and other important matters that elevate and empower families and individuals. To achieve all or any of these, more solidarity is needed, less divisive “Marites” attitudes, and our families rising above pettiness and discarding outdated beliefs.
Thinking big is key. Solidarity is the other key. Otherwise, we descend to bickering and depression in the narrow confines of nuclear and even extended families, and kid ourselves that we have no choice other than doing things alone.