THE VIEW FROM RIZAL

“Could there really be a ‘forever’ when it comes to love and romance?”

We are not a “love expert” and so we wonder why we get this kind of question from people younger than we are. It appears they had come across our previous columns where we talked about this subject matter, fueling speculations that we have “specialized” on this important human concern. That is not true, but we will answer the question in the spirit of the celebration of Valentine’s Day this Friday.

The question is an important one. After all, we value our intimate relationships. They are our sources of comfort and affirmation. It is hard to imagine life without love and will do anything and everything to find it and keep it. When we find it slipping away, we will chase it even if we find out that the more we run after it, the farther “love” may distance itself from us.

Our first understanding of love is it is a sensation. We learned this from our experience of Mother when we were babies. Mom’s gentle touch and caress; her warm, light kisses; her affectionate gaze – all these gave us that sensation we later labeled as “love.”

From sensation, our understanding of love graduated into that of emotion. We thought of “love” as something we “feel.” We think we feel that our hearts. Well, here is the fact:  doctors and psychologists have always told us that feeling comes not from the coronary area of our anatomy but from that part of the human brain called the hypothalamus.

Therefore, the more correct way — but obliviously less romantic — is to say: “I love you from the bottom of my hypothalamus.”

Let us look at it from the scientific perspective: that “romantic feeling,” doctors and scientists would explain, is the result of the production of a certain hormone: “dopamine.” When dopamine is released in the brain, we experience the feeling of pleasure. Somehow, we become “addicted” to that feeling of pleasure. 

That must also be the reason why the feeling of romantic love gives people a “high.” 

This also leads us to wonder if it is the “high” of the romance we are after. Often, it is the “high” triggered by the release of dopamine in the brain that we refer to as being “in love.” This becomes the challenge to “forever.”

Consider this: relying on hormonal secretions in certain parts of the brain to stay “in love” may not be sustainable. We do not have full control of all our brain functions, much less the frequency, intensity, and direction of the secretion of hormones. Are we not basing our loving relationships then on what is never certain?

What if we wake up one morning with no dopamine going to the hypothalamus? What if without the brain’s dopamine shot, we see the object of our love and discover that he or she has imperfections? 

Will we be able to say, “I would still love that person despite all the faults and imperfections”?

Only when that happens can we say we have “decided” to love.

Love then becomes a decision and not just an emotion. The loving relationship would no longer be dependent on dopamine in the hypothalamus. It would now be based on the functions of a higher level of the human brain — the cerebral cortex. It is the part of our brain where we think logically and make rational choices and decisions. 

Based on experience, here are some ways to love using one’s ability to make clear and rational decisions. One who loves must have a clear hierarchy of priorities and put the persons he loves at the top of the list. 

He must have a clear purpose and direction for the relationships he has with the people whom he loves. He must also realize that we do not live in a perfect world. Relationships go through challenges and conflicts and there must be ways to make sure they are resolved. 

One who loves must know how to listen: both with his “heart” and his “mind.” Listening with the “heart” means the ability to empathize and sympathize. Listening with the “mind” means the ability to assess and to understand what the pain, joy, concern, and issues are on the part of the loved one being listened to. This is important because the one who loves must be able to offer wisdom and counsel to the one he loves.

My wish for all of you is that this special day would give your hypothalamus extra shots of dopamine.

I also pray that beyond Valentine’s Day, you would all let the cerebral cortex help you to stay “in love” by rationally deciding to do so. That makes “forever” in love possible.

(The author is the mayor of Antipolo City, former Rizal governor, DENR assistant secretary and LLDA general manager. Email: [email protected])