IT'S THE SMALL THINGS

I never knew – especially at the height of 2020 – that the day would come where I would actually seek monotonous and steady moments. Never did I think these kinds of moments would actually bring me comfort and peace. I guess it took my stress levels to reach its peak for me to be remind of this, and that, well, for self-preservation, sometimes, we must run away from these stressors (momentarily) so that we can clear our minds, and face them head on eventually. When one reaches the point of numbness, it is seemingly unnatural. So much so that it is somewhat frightening, and makes me wonder if this anesthetic like sort of feeling, or reaction, is part of our body’s natural “fight or flight” response because I cannot seem to muster up any other logical explanation of how one arrives to this point. Whatever it is, I now realize that the emotional numbness is the most telling sign that you have met your threshold. That though you are physically alive and living your daily life, you are also humanly incapable of processing any more emotions – the sad part being that it rids you of feeling both the good and the bad. So much so, that while you rationally know how you should react and feel, your heart and emotions are not quite synced with your mind. Somehow, you are operating robotically, and that is truly how fascinating the human body is – it knows you need to, and allows you to continue to operate, even when another side is clearly faltering. If anything, we can take more than we once thought we could.
But with that fascination arises a multitude of questions, concerns, and thoughts as well. In as much as you want to feel like yourself again and experience a plethora of emotions and feelings, the other side of you has been burned, scared and traumatized. There is a fear of coming out of this mode, even if you have experienced it in the past – in greater heights even. At the end of the day, you do not realize how strong and resilient you are until you are being tested. And just when you feel like there is nothing more you can give, you magically muster up the courage and the will to carry on. At the end of the day, I think it is our subconscious reminding us that despite the problems we may be facing, at no point should we ever think of giving up. Somewhere, some place, there is someone else going through the same (perhaps even worse) and it is all about riding that wave until we figure out what needs to be done. But what if the situation is beyond your control? What if the conflict is compounded by the very fact that all you can do is pray and hope for the best? This is when we turn to faith. This is when we surrender.
And I know that I have said this multiple times before. If anything, the redundancy perhaps equates to how significant a part of my life faith is, and how often I turn to it to tide me through. Believe me when I tell you that when one is completely at a loss, when there is no explanation, rhyme, or reason, that saying a prayer will give you the comfort you did not know you needed, but that you subconsciously seek. That though there are many temporary forms of escape and relief that exist, turning to prayer gives you a steadier escape. At least in my case, it gives me strength.
Timing is everything. In this world, I have come to find and realize, it is something we should never tempt. Rather, its perfection is something we will always seek at different points, and that prayer will guide us with, and lead us to. Yesterday, we celebrated the fifteenth year since the passing of someone who meant the world to me, and though the void of her loss has, and will never be filled, and how in this very moment I wish she could knock sense into this flurry of situations and sensations I have found myself at, I know that she has a heavy hand in helping me navigate through these unexpectedly odd times – that it is because of her that in moments of heavy self doubt, I realize my worth.
I do not choose to share challenges, struggles and ways of coping for self-pity, but rather, to remind everyone that although this is supposed to be a more positive space, the latter does not always equate to rainbows, sunshine and cheeriness. A lot of the times, positivity is seeing the goodness in the small mundane everyday things, and just being able to view our cup as half full. At the end of the day, we are thankful to be alive. If anything, here is your reminder that life is not perfect, but in whatever you are going through, you are not, and are never alone. And despite the hurt being flung at you, your heart will heal, and though you will never forget, you will see this through. Never forget, that love just evolves, but never leaves.