As we remember the dead this season, let me pay tribute to one of the funniest Filipino comedians that ever lived - Gary Lising. He was my mentor, and I can never be prouder that I have the best mentor in stand-up comedy. I had to dig deep into my video collection, and I was able to transcribe one of his go-to monologues every time we have a show, whether it be for the Philippine Amusement and Gaming Corporation (Pagcor) casinos all over the Philippines or whether it be for a corporate function or a school reunion. This monologue was performed at the Casino Filipino in Cebu City as we had a back-to-back stand-up comedy show.  Ladies and Gentlemen, let’s laugh and celebrate Mr. Gary Lising.

My name is Gary Lising. Secretary of Health Juan Flavier once said I have a very nice name -- for a disease. I was voted as the sex symbol of Assumption College because according to them, I am the only entertainer that looks like a sex organ.

I was already a celebrity even when I was a baby. I weighed 48 pounds when I was born -- but weighed only three pounds after I was circumcised. I was the only abortion that lived. I was such an ugly baby. My mother only puts the negatives of my pictures in our family album. I was a very thin baby because I was a breastfed baby - I was breastfed by my father. I grew up to be a boy wonder -- everybody always looked at me and wondered. I studied at the Ateneo de Manila where I took up B. S. Economics.

That explains why, up to now, I still am as poor as ever. I went to the United States, where I set up my own business that went bankrupt. My business was selling PX goods. I lived in the penthouse of a 50-story building. My rent was only 200 dollars a month. It was very cheap because it was a walkup - no elevator. I was drafted by the U. S. Army, but I got exempted because of my religion -- I am a devout coward.

I came back to the Philippines because I missed the brownouts. We should be proud of this fact because, in the U. S., they don't have brownouts. We are the only country that has it. Another thing to be proud of is the merging of Erap Estrada's "PACC" with Gringo Honasan's "YOU" -- it would be known as "PACC YOU." My father is Dr. Jose Lising, a bisexual -- every time he sees sex, he buys it. My mother, Nieva Lising, is a very religious woman -- she is a nun. My parents are in the iron and steel business. My mother irons, and my father steals. I am married to Maris Paredes, who, up to now, believes that love is really blind. I also have a son, Bugsy. He's only five years old and already knows how to be ashamed of me.

I am also a firm believer in a lot of very serious facts of life. Let me share with you a few meaningful facts that I believe in: I believe... that if you read too much about the bad effects of smoking -- give up reading. I believe... that you should never make love with your eyes unless you are cockeyed. I believe... Dick Gordon when he said that women should be put up on a pedestal -- high enough so you could look up their dresses. I believe... Baby Boy Poblador said that women are the foundation of our society. I also believed him when he said that men are the ones who laid the foundation. I believe that Giselle Sanchez is up next, and the reason why she is the finale and not me is because she has perkier breasts compared to mine. (Gary Lising 1952- 2019)