The decision to love
Published Feb 14, 2021 12:24 am
THE VIEW FROM RIZAL
Dr. Jun Ynares
Several years ago, I shared in our column a concern brought to me by a lady-friend.
I recall that she appeared to be in distress when she asked me this question:
“What if I no longer feel that ‘in love’ with my husband?”
At first, I thought that the question was a joke. However, I noticed in her face the eagerness to find the answer to that question.
The fact is, I was taken aback by that question. It is something we can all relate to.
After all, we value our intimate relationships. They are our sources of comfort and affirmation. It is hard to imagine life without love. We will do anything and everything to find it and keep it. Many times, we find it slip away from our hands. We chase it and discover that the more we run after it, the farther it distances itself from us.
My lady-friend’s question is a valid one. I have long ago realized that our first understanding of love is that of a sensation it is something we “sense.” As I mentioned in that column of several years ago, it was our mothers who taught us that. We learned that when we were just babies. Mom’s gentle touch and caress; her warm, light kisses; her affectionate gaze – all these gave us that sensation we later labeled as love.
From sensation, our understanding of love graduated into that of emotion. It’s something we “feel.” We believed that this wonderful feeling resided in our hearts although doctors and psychologists have always told us that the feeling comes from that part of the human brain called hypothalamus.
That must have led to the view that the right way to express one’s feeling of love is this: “I love you from the bottom of my hypothalamus.”
“Love is in the brain and not the heart,” as the saying goes – among scientists and doctors, at least.
That romantic feeling, doctors and scientists would explain, is the result of the production of a certain hormone. It’s called “dopamine”. When dopamine is released in the brain, we experience the feeling of pleasure. Somehow, we become addicted to that feeling of pleasure. This must have been the reason why substances that cause serious addiction are called “dope” – short, perhaps, for “dopamine.”
That must also be the reason why the feeling of romantic love gives people a “high.”
This also leads us to wonder if it is the “high” of the romance we are after. Could it be that the “high” triggered by the release of dopamine in the brain is what we refer to as being “in love”?
I guess there lies the challenge to us which my lady-friend’s question points out. could it be that we have been relying on hormonal secretions in certain parts of the brain to stay “in love”?
I am not sure if we have full control of all our brain functions, much less the frequency, intensity, and direction of the secretion of hormones. Should we base our loving relationships then on what is never certain?
What if we wake up one morning with no dopamine going to the hypothalamus? What if without the brain’s “dopamine shot,” we see the object of our love and discover that he or she has imperfections on the skin, rasp in the voice, odor in the breath, and unwanted fat in various parts of the body?
Some would say, “I would still love that person despite all the faults and imperfections.”
When that happens, it can be said that such a person has chosen “to love” rather than just “to be in love.”
Love then becomes a decision and not just an emotion. The loving relationship would no longer be dependent on dopamine in the hypothalamus. It would now be based on the functions on a higher level of the human brain – the cerebral cortex. It is the part of our brain where we think logically and make rational choices and decisions.
As I mentioned in that old column, I have two models of love.
The first is our Lord Jesus Christ. The second is our national hero Dr. Jose Rizal.
Both chose death. Both opted to suffer for their mission. Both gave up their lives for what and for whom they love.
I doubt if Christ, while being scourged, made to carry the cross, and made to hang on it enjoyed the pleasure of dopamine on the brain. Nope. He endured excruciating physical and emotional pain beyond human imagination. Yet, He willingly gave up His own life “so that we may have life and have it to the full.”
That love was a decision.
It was a deliberate, conscious decision made in the cerebral cortex of His human brain.
The same must be true with Dr. Rizal. Alone in his cell on the eve of his execution, he must have reflected on his own pain and suffering and the unfairness of the entire situation.
I guess he got no dopamine shot in the hypothalamus that lonely evening before his execution. He wrote the immortal “Mi Ultimo Adios” based not just on the throbbing of the heart, but on the power of his iron will.
It took the power of the cerebral cortex to make him take that plume, bring out a sheet of paper, and by the light of the gas lamp, compose a poetic masterpiece.
Being “in love” is an emotion. “To love” is a decision.
What was my answer to my lady-friend’s question? Just a simple, “Decide to love.”
Today is Valentine’s Day – a different celebration because it is being held at the time of quarantines, lockdowns and social distancing.
Still, my wish for all of you is that this special day would give your hypothalamus extra shots of dopamine.
I also pray that beyond Valentine’s Day, you would all let the cerebral cortex help you to stay “in love” by rationally deciding to do so.
Happy Hearts Day.
Or better yet, Happy Hypothalamus Day!
*For feedback, please email it to [email protected] or send it to Block 6 Lot 10 Sta. Barbara 1 cor. Bradley St., Mission Hills Subd., Brgy. San Roque, Antipolo City, Rizal.
Dr. Jun Ynares
Several years ago, I shared in our column a concern brought to me by a lady-friend.
I recall that she appeared to be in distress when she asked me this question:
“What if I no longer feel that ‘in love’ with my husband?”
At first, I thought that the question was a joke. However, I noticed in her face the eagerness to find the answer to that question.
The fact is, I was taken aback by that question. It is something we can all relate to.
After all, we value our intimate relationships. They are our sources of comfort and affirmation. It is hard to imagine life without love. We will do anything and everything to find it and keep it. Many times, we find it slip away from our hands. We chase it and discover that the more we run after it, the farther it distances itself from us.
My lady-friend’s question is a valid one. I have long ago realized that our first understanding of love is that of a sensation it is something we “sense.” As I mentioned in that column of several years ago, it was our mothers who taught us that. We learned that when we were just babies. Mom’s gentle touch and caress; her warm, light kisses; her affectionate gaze – all these gave us that sensation we later labeled as love.
From sensation, our understanding of love graduated into that of emotion. It’s something we “feel.” We believed that this wonderful feeling resided in our hearts although doctors and psychologists have always told us that the feeling comes from that part of the human brain called hypothalamus.
That must have led to the view that the right way to express one’s feeling of love is this: “I love you from the bottom of my hypothalamus.”
“Love is in the brain and not the heart,” as the saying goes – among scientists and doctors, at least.
That romantic feeling, doctors and scientists would explain, is the result of the production of a certain hormone. It’s called “dopamine”. When dopamine is released in the brain, we experience the feeling of pleasure. Somehow, we become addicted to that feeling of pleasure. This must have been the reason why substances that cause serious addiction are called “dope” – short, perhaps, for “dopamine.”
That must also be the reason why the feeling of romantic love gives people a “high.”
This also leads us to wonder if it is the “high” of the romance we are after. Could it be that the “high” triggered by the release of dopamine in the brain is what we refer to as being “in love”?
I guess there lies the challenge to us which my lady-friend’s question points out. could it be that we have been relying on hormonal secretions in certain parts of the brain to stay “in love”?
I am not sure if we have full control of all our brain functions, much less the frequency, intensity, and direction of the secretion of hormones. Should we base our loving relationships then on what is never certain?
What if we wake up one morning with no dopamine going to the hypothalamus? What if without the brain’s “dopamine shot,” we see the object of our love and discover that he or she has imperfections on the skin, rasp in the voice, odor in the breath, and unwanted fat in various parts of the body?
Some would say, “I would still love that person despite all the faults and imperfections.”
When that happens, it can be said that such a person has chosen “to love” rather than just “to be in love.”
Love then becomes a decision and not just an emotion. The loving relationship would no longer be dependent on dopamine in the hypothalamus. It would now be based on the functions on a higher level of the human brain – the cerebral cortex. It is the part of our brain where we think logically and make rational choices and decisions.
As I mentioned in that old column, I have two models of love.
The first is our Lord Jesus Christ. The second is our national hero Dr. Jose Rizal.
Both chose death. Both opted to suffer for their mission. Both gave up their lives for what and for whom they love.
I doubt if Christ, while being scourged, made to carry the cross, and made to hang on it enjoyed the pleasure of dopamine on the brain. Nope. He endured excruciating physical and emotional pain beyond human imagination. Yet, He willingly gave up His own life “so that we may have life and have it to the full.”
That love was a decision.
It was a deliberate, conscious decision made in the cerebral cortex of His human brain.
The same must be true with Dr. Rizal. Alone in his cell on the eve of his execution, he must have reflected on his own pain and suffering and the unfairness of the entire situation.
I guess he got no dopamine shot in the hypothalamus that lonely evening before his execution. He wrote the immortal “Mi Ultimo Adios” based not just on the throbbing of the heart, but on the power of his iron will.
It took the power of the cerebral cortex to make him take that plume, bring out a sheet of paper, and by the light of the gas lamp, compose a poetic masterpiece.
Being “in love” is an emotion. “To love” is a decision.
What was my answer to my lady-friend’s question? Just a simple, “Decide to love.”
Today is Valentine’s Day – a different celebration because it is being held at the time of quarantines, lockdowns and social distancing.
Still, my wish for all of you is that this special day would give your hypothalamus extra shots of dopamine.
I also pray that beyond Valentine’s Day, you would all let the cerebral cortex help you to stay “in love” by rationally deciding to do so.
Happy Hearts Day.
Or better yet, Happy Hypothalamus Day!
*For feedback, please email it to [email protected] or send it to Block 6 Lot 10 Sta. Barbara 1 cor. Bradley St., Mission Hills Subd., Brgy. San Roque, Antipolo City, Rizal.