MEDIUM RARE

Married couples, live-in partners, common-law spouses, and same-sex pairs are not only allowed to ride motorcycles, they have all the right to advertise their lovey-dovey station in life by the simple expedient of installing a plastic shield between the rider’s back and his passenger’s chest. All the policemen at their checkpoints have to do is look at their marriage certificate – no kidding! – or ID showing they share the same address. Assuming, that is, that the romantic riders have their helmets and masks on.

All right, we live in extraordinary times, but is it possible that the experts who dreamed up this scheme have never heard of or experienced connubial bliss? As Sen. Ralph Recto puts it, “Isn’t the protection offered by the barrier during the day canceled by their intimacy at night?” Another comment was to the effect that lovers, legally married or not, probably take their shower together (to save water). In addition, as the senator suggests, what good is the barrier (P700 a pop) when the lovers kiss each other goodbye after the ride?

Sure, the cops will pick the riding-in-tandem pairs at random only, but what if their amorous but suspicious nature gets the better of them, or the pair is anything but a likely match? Would the cops have to ask for more proof? Here is a Q and A guide to help them.

Did you sleep together last night? In one or separate bedrooms?

Did you practice safe sex?

Do you go to bed at the same time or different times?

What is the color of your husband’s toothbrush?

Does this guy snore?

Mister, how many times did your wife use the toilet last night?

(Whispered) Ma’am, what time did Mister wake up this morning?

(Whispered) Sir, is it your habit to stand up from bed on its left or right side?

What did you have for breakfast this morning?

Sir, do you take your coffee black?

How many children do you have?

The game is to see if the couple’s answers jibe. That last one could well be the trick question.