ONE FOR THE ROAD
So I recently turned 50. This in itself is usually already a major milestone or awakening for most men. But try throwing in a two-and-a-half year pandemic in the mix and this milestone can be twice as profound. So considering I tick both boxes, allow me to share my top three realizations that I wish I could tell my younger self about.
“Every man has two lives. The second one begins once he realizes he has only one.”
This thought from Confucius, dating back as far as 550 BC, felt like stepping on a piece of Lego with my bare feet. I never forgot it. We spend so much of our earlier years living out other people’s expectations of us that we end up playing out a role instead of finding our soul. We try so hard to fit in to the constructs or templates that society has glamorized that we learn to distrust our own inner voice and stop chasing our own dreams. But once we realize that we only get one shot at this, and playing safe is just another word for 'I’m scared,' we start to fulfill our true destiny, which is to go out and find our gift and then spend the rest of our days sharing it with others. That’s really all its about.
We have been taught to focus too much on the destinations, or milestones, that we forget that life is all about the journey. It’s not unlike dancing. You don’t dance to go somewhere; the act of dancing is the entire purpose of it. So stop looking at life like a race and start thinking of it as a dance. Then you can finally start moving to your own beat.
Stop judging.
It’s an awful trait. And it doesn’t look good on anyone. Especially the one judging. Because in many ways, it is simply a comfort blanket for dealing with our own failures or fears. Most people who judge others do so because they never had the courage to try something new and difficult for themselves, therefore it makes them feel angry when someone else took the risk and succeeded, or they feel validated when they see that someone has failed. Just let people be. So long as they are not hurting anyone, let them make as many mistakes as they can. It’s the only way we learn.
This includes judging yourself. As long as you know in your heart that you made the best decision you could have, given the set of circumstances at the time, then just let it go and learn from it. Stop beating yourself up, or worse, other people that you feel have made poor choices because you will never arrive at that same intersection twice. It's as unique as your fingerprint. So stop pretending you could have done better.
Don’t fall into the pleasure trap. Everything is better when you break a sweat for it — be it health, wealth or relationships.
We were wired to get a dopamine rush or serotonin high after completing something difficult. It’s the only way we will willingly do anything difficult, like hunt and gather, because we end up chasing the high we get from accomplishment. But as modern man found hacks for this, like creating a “like” button, or putting high calorie food in a ready to eat can without you having to hunt for it, we ended up skipping the work part and going straight for the dopamine high. This has led to alarming levels of depression worldwide because it has in many ways robbed us of purpose and motivation.
Learn to fall back in love with delayed gratification. Those are the only dopamine and serotonin highs that are worth anything – like working out regularly, reading books or writing something of your own, or simply choosing to always be kind even if others are not, because in the end, once all is said and done, the only thing we leave behind is the impact we had on others. It’s the greatest currency we have. So spend it wisely.