To this diplomat’s wife and executive coach, the key to success is nourishing your different needs as a human being
In a world where standards are set so high, is it possible to have it all? There’s a lot to do every single day and with only 24 hours at our disposal, it seems like spreading ourselves thin is the only way to go. An executive coach from Spain and fellow diplomat’s wife, Matilda Ciro, says yes, but not in the way you think.
Executive coaching
Matilda took up Executive Coaching Psychology at Cambridge and she has been advising CEOs for eight years now. Prior to going freelance during their postings abroad, she worked for an American company in Madrid for a decade. There, she was mentored by communications tycoon Richard Vaughan whom she considers a role model in leadership. He also gave her the opportunity to work with politicians, train cabinet ministers, and even members of the EU parliament on executive and strategic communication.
Most of Matilda’s female clients have one thing in common and that’s their ability to switch roles as needed. “They understand that when they are working, they are 100 percent conscientiously working,” says Matilda. “It’s that ability to connect in the moment.”
These women are leaders in the office who work with huge teams and make important decisions. They’re mothers at 8 p.m. and they lead a board at 9 a.m. On Saturdays, they go out for coffee with friends. “I think that’s the key to success. Understanding that there needs to be harmony in nourishing your different needs as a human being,” says Matilda. “Women shouldn’t feel they have to fit a certain mold that’s imposed externally. We’re all different in the way we’re wired, even in our drive. That’s the beauty of life. To have variety and to have the chance to experience those different parts at different stages and times.”
What’s important is the realization of one’s different facets and how to nurture them. Ten years into her career in Madrid, Matilda faced a difficult choice. To stay and keep working on a career she loved or move to Angola for her husband Luis Ciro’s diplomatic posting along with their young son. “I was very happy on a personal and professional level. You had to drag me out of the office! But I have also just become a mother and I started feeling things I’d never felt before,” she recalls.
Connecting to other selves
She decided to attend to this new side of her and carve a new path without losing sight of the career she loved. This, by maintaining some freelance clients and allotting a few hours of her week for it.
“I worked just two hours a day,” she admits as her way of staying connected and sharp. “It was my connection to my other self but I was practically 90 percent a full-time mother in those three years.”
Matilda has realized that it is perfectly fine to have a few years off to focus on a specific part of you, adding that it is a high form of self-care. It could be career, motherhood, or whatever makes you feel fulfilled the most. It’s a matter of prioritizing.
Thanks to the multiple life shifts she has gone through, Matilda is now an advocate of finding meaning and purpose from different sources. “Twice a week, I sit down and look at the parts of me I want to attend to this week,” she says, admitting to having 12 that she finds fulfillment in. A fulfilling week means finding time for each part. It’s a concept she has passed on to her sons Luis, 8, and Lucas, 3.
“I’ve always loved planning even when I was a child,” muses Matilda. “Now, I love scheduling with the aim to attend to all those parts. I do the same with my kids. For them to develop well, they need time to attend to their different needs—academics, football, silly games in the pool, play chess with Mama and Papa, and to be exposed to arts like painting and music.”
‘If you allow only one part of your brain to be highly active in one specific area, placing all the cognitive and emotional energy on those neural connections, the rest of the brain is on standby.’
Attending to more parts of us leaves us more fulfilled and that makes us a lot more creative and innovative. It’s important, however, that you are fully present and focused as you attend to each part of you. “If you allow only one part of your brain to be highly active in one specific area, placing all the cognitive and emotional energy on those neural connections, the rest of the brain is on standby,” Matilda cautions.
Allowing yourself to clock out from one side of your life lets you give time to focus on another aspect. Done with work? Go and do something you enjoy. Go to a book shop, a café, the outdoors.
Open communication
While pursuing an International Law and Politics degree at the University of Edinburgh, Matilda met Luis, whom she ended up marrying. One of their early dates involved laying it all on the table, such as what they would want and expect from their relationship. He told her right away that he intended to become a diplomat and while she did find it exciting, she also stood her ground on what she wanted for herself.
“I told him right away that my personal and professional growth was important to me,” she recounts. Open communication led them to finding ways to make their dreams happen while together.
This included them deciding to delay having children and moving in parallel when it came to their careers for 10 years. When the time came to start a family, she was so well settled and secure in her craft she was able to take a break to focus on motherhood.
But for every part of you you want to nurture, Matilda has one solid rule: Focus or giving it your 100 percent attention.
Scheduling should go beyond your work appointments. You should also make time for other things you enjoy. There’s so much stimuli that can distract us, from our phones to other variables in our environment. “It takes practice,” says Matilda. “We have to be aware of stimuli around us and learn to manage them. Condition your mind to resist temptation and schedule them instead of inserting them in random times in your day.”
Matilda’s main drive is making sure each of her 12 parts—from mother to career woman and everything in between—is fulfilled in a week. If it worked for her and all those CEOs, then it should work for us too, right?