THROUGH UNTRUE
A famous actress once declared that she stayed happily married to her husband for 50 years because they seldom see each other. She might have said that as a joke, but she made a good point. Togetherness nurtures love and intimacy, but it should not mean constant physical closeness.
Many couples mistakenly believe that loving someone necessitates erasing boundaries that safeguard personal space, identity, and autonomy. But without boundaries, persons in a relationship may feel disrespected, invaded, or unable to express their true selves. When boundaries are sacrificed in the name of togetherness, love can deteriorate into codependency.
Psychologists note that the dynamics of a codependent relationship often involve subtle tactics for control and manipulation, such as emotional blackmail, guilt-tripping, or passive-aggressive behavior to maintain one’s grip over the other. Codependent persons may feel they are acting out of love, although they are motivated more by insecurity, low self-esteem, and a persistent fear of abandonment. They become overly preoccupied with meeting their partner’s needs and desires. They may even tolerate and worsen the latter’s destructive behaviors, thus obstructing their potential to change for the better.
Have you ever considered whether our relationship with God is truly based on love, or on codependency? In today’s Gospel reading, Jesus declares: “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you” (John 15:5,7).
Many of us Christians interpret these words of Jesus in a manner that smacks of co-dependency. We mistakenly believe that loving Jesus entails a transaction: If we abide by Him and obey His commandments, He will fulfill our desires and alleviate our suffering. Thus, we diligently recite prayers, perform rituals, embark on pilgrimages, do good to our neighbors, and adhere to specific doctrines, hoping that Jesus will bestow abundant blessings upon us.
The problem with this mindset is, it is focused on what we expect to gain from the transaction rather than on a genuine desire to deepen our love for Jesus. Consequently, when our prayers are unanswered or when sickness and trials persist, we become resentful and disillusioned. We forget that closeness with Jesus entails embracing uncertainty and acknowledging that He operates in ways that we cannot predict or dictate.
When we are codependent on God, we rely on Him for every aspect of our lives, thereby neglecting our capacity to make decisions and take proactive steps to tackle challenges and pursue our goals. When we attribute every event in our life solely to Divine intervention, we absolve ourselves of any responsibility or accountability for our choices and actions.
Moreover, codependency with God fosters a “God-is-with-us mentality,” which leads to exclusivity, as manifested by many members of Christian sects who think they have a monopoly of salvation and exhibit blind loyalty to their self-proclaimed “anointed” leaders.
Jesus promised that if we abide in Him and His words abide in us, we can ask whatever we wish, and it will be done for us (John 15:7). In the context of His discourse on the “vine and the branches,” this promise does not imply that Jesus would grant our every wish. Instead, it signifies His pledge to ensure the fruitfulness of our ministry as Christians. He is telling us that when we are united with Him, we align our aspirations with His purposes. Such unity of wills guarantees that our requests would coincide with what He Himself would seek. This is why we often conclude our petitions with the phrase, “In Jesus's name.”