THE VIEW FROM RIZAL
DR. JUN YNARES
There have been major tragedies in various parts of the world recently. Some were caused by nature and some were caused by men with evil intentions. Each of these tragedies has caused us a lot of emotional pain. In a way, we are all “victims” of these recent tragedies – especially our children.
In the aftermath of these tragedies, we are reminded that we need to listen to our children.
Having someone to talk to is an important means to helping them cope with the emotional pain. Listening is the necessary first step.
In 2012, our eldest daughter saw on television the news clips of the mass shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Connecticut where 20 children between the ages of six and seven perished. What struck her was the footage of weeping parents and the massive expression of collective grief by the members of the Sandy Hook community. Our daughter was devastated by that sight and by the realization that there are elements in our society capable of inflicting such evil and so much suffering on others, particularly the innocent.
Some 11 years ago, her question was: “How can such bad things happen, daddy?”
Our eldest daughter is a young lady now. When she saw footages of the aftermath of the recent earthquake that hit Türkiye and Syria, she felt the same devastating emotional pain.
What struck her this time was the online image of a young girl dug up from the rubble of a building in Syria. She was found alive, shielding her younger sibling with her arm, keeping the latter alive despite being buried for several days.
Once again, her question was, “How can such bad things happen, daddy?”
The fact is there is nothing much we can say to adequately answer such a question.
We can only do two things; first, to be present in those moments when our children hurt emotionally; second, to listen.
After all, during these moments, they are not really asking for “information.” They simply want “assurance” – that they are not alone and that what they feel is valid. Our assuring presence enables them to process their own pain and arrive at their own resolution.
These unfortunate events wound them emotionally which may leave scars that may last a lifetime. It is important that those scars must be accompanied by memories of the assuring company of caring and sympathetic adults.
Another recent tragedy was the death of a Grade 12 student at a private school located south of Manila.
The young student’s death was described as an “accident” by school authorities and as “suicide” by some of those who witnessed the terrible incident. Regardless, the handling of the incident triggered angry exchanges, posts and comments on social media. The anger reminded us again of the importance of listening first to our children and assuring them that their feelings are real and valid.
What seemed to have triggered the anger in social media was the video of a “counselor” speaking to a large group of students from the said school. From the video which had gone viral, the “counselor” could be heard saying in a pontificating tone, “do not exaggerate the picture (of the incident) … if you exaggerate (your feelings) based on that one part of that picture, that is totally wrong.”
“Kasi, kapiraso lang naman ang nakita ninyo tapos apektado na kayo (you only saw one part and now you are affected,” he added.
Some of those involved in the social media exchange described the method of the “counselor” as “gaslighting,” a term which means “manipulating others in such a way that they begin to question their own sanity or reasonableness.”
American schools are no longer strangers to tragic events and appear to have now started to learn how to deal with the aftermath.
For example, Indiana University, in its bulletin, reminds its faculty that “as a most basic response, it can be helpful to acknowledge the event in class in a humane way to help students cope and focus on their coursework.” “Students can find a total lack of response from their instructors frustrating and disappointing,” the bulletin points out.
“Give students a few minutes to write their thoughts down about the event,” the bulletin adds.
“Instructors don’t need to collect these writings; they can simply be placeholders for students’ thoughts so that they can focus on the course material,” it said.
In a way, the advice is to help children listen to themselves, and to their own thoughts and feelings.
We can never say that their feelings are “exaggerated;” we can never say that their feelings are “not okay” and “totally wrong.” Such words would merely aggravate their emotional pain.
The key is to listen to our children. We need not answer their questions right away. We just have to listen first.
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