THROUGH UNTRUE
Fr. Rolando V. dela Rosa, O.P.
On this day, I and four fellow Dominicans celebrate our 40th anniversary as priests. Every time I reach an important milestone in my life, people ask me: “What have you done so far?” or "What have you achieved after all these years?
I think the more crucial question they should ask me is: “What has become of you?” I believe that what I have accomplished or achieved is not as important as the kind of person I have become.
What has become of me? After 40 years, have I become a happier and holier priest? Have I become more at peace with myself, more dedicated to preach and serve others, and more intimate with God? Have I become the person I dreamt of when I was young and full of idealism?
To be honest, I must admit that growing old as a priest seems to be a matter of growing pains. I do not mean bodily or emotional distress. I refer to the agonizing awareness that after all these years, I am still far from the priest God wants me to be. And this is so, not because of what I cannot do, but because of what I cannot stop doing.
Everyone faces the temptation to sin. But a priest has to contend with three more lethal temptations. First is the temptation to feel virtuous and holy, to think of himself as morally and intellectually superior than others. Second is the temptation to feel loved, adored, to be at the center of attention, and be always in control. The third is the temptation to feel entitled to many pleasurable and desirable things, and to settle for the easy, convenient, and comfortable life.
These temptations — or more precisely, seductions that lead to addiction — that make it difficult for priests to stop doing what will eventually destroy them. St. Paul's lament is also theirs: “I do not understand what is happening to me. The good things that I must do, I do not do; while the evil things that I should not do, I keep on doing" (Romans 7:15).
Blessed are we if, like St. Paul, we do not fall into despair, and cling instead to our conviction that God's grace is stronger than our weakness. We can exclaim like St. Paul: "Oh, wretched man that I am! Who shall deliver me from myself? I thank God, through Jesus Christ our Lord" (Romans 7:24). that
So to the question, "What has become of me?" My honest answer is: "I have become a priest who has never stopped trying to become what God wants me to be, despite my tendency to sin and lose my way. Just like St. Paul, I reassure myself with the knowledge that God always takes up the broken pieces of myself and transforms these through His grace, to become something redemptive, something that manifests His boundless mercy and forgiveness. So, on this special day, I pray with the words taken from the theme song of the movie titled The Cardinal:
"Though I grope and I blunder, And I'm weak and I'm wrong, Though the road buckles under As I walk, walk along, I will find to my wonder, Every path leads to Thee, All that I can do is pray, Stay with me, stay with me!"