Advice on how to mix marriage and money
Valentine’s Day is commonly celebrated as a day of love. It escapes us that this day is meant to celebrate the life of St. Valentine.
He was a Christian bishop who was killed in 270 AD. He lived in Central Italy and was responsible for secretly solemnizing the marriages of couples who wanted to avoid the forced conscription of all able-bodied men into the army.
Emperor Claudius II was one who spent a lot of time waging war against the Goths (Germanic tribe). The casualties of war required that he conscript men into his army as its ranks were decimated in each battle they went to. If a man was married, he was exempted from being forced to go to war since he had a wife and children to attend to. To therefore solemnize marriages was considered by the emperor to be treasonous. Claudius II likewise had a hatred for Christians during that time because a lot refused to pay homage to the emperor and sacrifice to his pagan gods.
Bishop Valentinus was placed on house arrest because of his activities by Judge Asterius. The good judge had a discussion with Bishop Valentinus on the validity of the life of Christ. Asterius posed a challenge to him by bringing before the saint his adopted daughter who was blind. Valentinus placed his hands upon the child and prayed to God for the restoration of her sight. A miracle happened right in front of Asterius’ eyes as his daughter instantly regained her sight.
Moved by this miracle Judge Asterius asked St. Valentine what he should do to become a Christian. He was told to break all the pagan idols in his house, fast for three days, and undergo the Christian sacrament of baptism. Asterius after having done what he was told to do, even went further by freeing all Christian prisoners under his authority. This further emboldened St. Valentine to evangelize the Romans. He was arrested again and brought before emperor Claudius II. True to his nature, St. Valentine tried to evangelize the emperor himself, whereupon he was repudiated. He was told to renounce his faith or he would be tortured. He was beaten with clubs, but miraculously he survived. This incensed the emperor further, who finally ordered him to be beheaded outside the Flaminian gate on Feb. 14, 270 AD.
There are a lot of legends about St. Valentine, one of which was his penchant for writing encouraging words to persecuted Christians on heart-shaped parchment paper. This probably accounts for Valentine’s Day being symbolized by heart-shaped cards with words of endearment toward a loved one.
While this essay was supposed to be about money advice for the celebration of Valentine’s Day, I could not help but start it with the life of Saint Valentine. It does provide us with a much better perspective on how we should celebrate this day.
Valentine’s Day is all about love and often we don’t think much about money. But in our examination of the human relationship, love and money are indeed intertwined and at times can be complicated.
You have to make sure that in spite of the great love you have for the person, you don’t marry into debt.
The first advice I can give couples is to be honest to one another when it comes to your financial affairs. You should start talking about money when your path is already leading toward an altar date. You have to make sure that in spite of the great love you have for the person, you don’t marry into debt. Everybody is embarrassed to ask about the financial state of the other, but you must do so before it is too late. Without having to ask him for his personal balance sheet, you should have a leery eye on his or her spending and money saving behavior.
You would more or less have an idea of how much money your partner makes. Range the income against the demonstrated spending habits of your partner. Lifestyle spending on dinner dates, vacation travels, clothes, and parties done in excessive amounts are clues that the person is an emotional spender.
On other side of the spectrum, your partner may be such a tightwad that he or she does not let go of his or her old clothes until they look like tattered rags.
When you eventually marry and money troubles set in, love does go out of the window.
Take the case of a woman who told me she discovered her husband was sunk in debt, when collectors started to knock at their door and the bills came in a flood. The husband eventually owned up to the mess and poor wife had to liquidate all the assets she inherited from her parents to bail the husband out.
While that seemed heroic, after she paid the last loan, she quickly filed for divorce and stayed single for the rest of her life. Or that of a woman, who demands all her husband’s income as a sign of his eternal love for her, reasoning that, without money, he cannot go off and wander into the arms of another lover. Poor husband had to beg for money for even the most ordinary things like fare or gas money to go to the office.
Another item lovers should discuss are pre-nuptial agreements. People tend to marry late. The baby boomers would be married by mid-20s and have kids one after the other. Not so today. Afraid of struggling financially, there are more people now tying the knot in their mid- to late 30s. This results into the accumulation of personal wealth prior to marriage. Likewise, if you belong to an affluent family, your parents start giving you part of your inheritance. All these material things, which you own before you are married, should be in a piece of paper called the pre-nuptial agreement that simply says, you retain ownership after you say your “I dos.” If that simple act starts an argument, you better think twice about spending the rest of your life together.
Finally, the last one is “Love is being financially prepared!” If a friend asks me, how was the food and the venue where the reception of his wedding was held, I would honestly be clueless. There is a lesson there! Don’t kill your wallet paying for a grand wedding. Your friends won’t even remember the name of the restaurant. What is remembered is the intimate moments of small conversations with the bride and groom, taking photos, sitting down to chat, the joyful after-party dancing and so much more. The cost of the venue and the food if not properly planned will set you back several years so don’t start your journey of love bankrupt.