Solving for that elusive missing variable—your e(X)
By Redge Tolentino
Dateless? Single? Suddenly pining for your ex? Nothing wrong with that because feelings are tricky things. So are math problems. With the Valentine holidays triggering emotions it helps to look at things logically, especially when solving for that elusive missing variable—your e(X).
1. You don’t need to figure out their wh(Y).
“I was too clingy,” “She was too busy,” “He wasn’t ready,” breakup causes take on many forms but unless your ex is mature enough to tell you the truth, you may never know the real reason why they left. That’s ok. The reason for a breakup can remain undefined because that’s not the real problem. What you’re really looking for is C(losure), and you don’t need the R(eason) variable to solve that equation. Closure is something you figure out on your own, from within, not from anyone or anywhere else.
What did they provide? Security? Comfort? A warm body?
How did they make you feel? Safe? Understood? Loved?
When did you feel like wanting to be a better version of yourself while with them?
Now all you have to do is figure out how to provide those for yourself (healthily).
2. You have even better odds of finding someone.
Congratulations! You actually loved someone. That level of investment doesn’t come easy, which is probably why you’re reading this and still feel nostalgic for a moment in T(ime) that will never again repeat. The good news is you can look back and sort out the experience into two columns—the stuff that added to your life and the stuff that subtracted from it.
Was the great sex really worth the sleepless nights? Did the time in the gym together outweigh the shitty diet? With this knowledge you can more easily identify people that don’t fit into your chosen set and very very quickly end the amount of T and M(oney) that you sink into relationships. You know your limits, and significantly less allocation for b/s equals growth.
3. L = E*(T)*(Fee-Fea)
Simplified, L(ove) is a function of E(ffort) multiplied by T(ime) multiplied by (Fee)lings minus (Fea)rs. Here it’s important to note what variables don’t count.
Thoughts don’t matter. Words don’t matter. It’s what someone does that counts. If pretty sentences and well-written text messages alone could get someone laid, writers wouldn’t be single. I digress. But as V in ‟V for Vendettaˮ said when his prosecutor tried to save herself: “I have not come for what you hoped to do, I have come for what you did.” In our case, the corollary phrase to our former lovers would be: “I have not left because of what you hoped to do, I have left because of what you did.” Which is…n0ught.
4. The value of e(X)
To sum it all up the value of your e(X) is ultimately… yo(U), and whoever you end up becoming from now on. Growing or shrinking, becoming less or more of yourself, bitter or better—the choice is neither destiny’s nor fate’s but your own.
The values you have for yourself, whether they be growth, a family, a career, as well as the relationships you have with your loved ones, should never be taken away by being with someone you reveal the algorithm of your life to. If you feel like doing that for someone, really think about how that fits into your equation. It might not add up to love and could just be attachment.
To everyone out there still pining for their formers—Happy Valentine’s.
You’re going to be fine.