Jacob playing with his dad

Dear Ms. Dawn,

Good morning!  I am so happy to have read your article about a baby biting a mother’s nipple during breastfeeding. That’s the very first time I came across your page. And I am so happy I did.

I am a mother of a 3-year-old girl. Actually, I should not call her a baby anymore because she’s so bibo and really talented and intelligent. However, when her tantrums come, it’s the time I am reminded that she’s still a baby.

She’s so sweet, affectionate and loving. Maybe that’s why she is somewhat spoiled by her grandparents. My main problem is when someone reprimands her, she would threaten things like “Sige! Hindi na kita love!” or “Sige! Hindi na ako tatabi sa iyo sa pagtulog!” The worse part is she would cry like a 'kinakatay na baka’ when we, especially I, would make her do something that she doesn’t feel like doing or make her stop what she’s doing.

I am having a hard time right now because she would even cry in the middle of the night if you would not do what she wants. Worse, she would not stop even if the whole compound is already awake. Please help me. Thank you very much!

Sincerely Yours,
Maria Isabel M. Vargas

A little R-E-S-P-E-C-T? You correct your child and she talks back at you, throws an object towards you in sheer defiance; or worse, threatens to disown you. You think she should respect your input, and maybe other parents would tell you "to just let it slide, kids are kids." So, who is right?

Kids often save their most ridiculous, irrational behavior for the ones they love the most: their parents. But your daughter shouldn’t disrespect you when you’ve pointed out her pitfalls. Don’t get angry when she does; get quiet with as little emotion as possible. Let her know that you understand she’s frustrated but she still has to treat you with respect. One time, I called my son’s attention about putting away his toys so he could get his bath. He completely ignored me. He was just engrossed in his play activity. I called him out again, my voice sounding stern this time. Still, he ignored me. I bent down to his level to fix my eyes on to him and repeated the words: “Jacobo, I said, put your toys away now and go take a bath.” He looks at me, acknowledging my instructions then with an edgy tone in his voice says, “Yeah, yeah, yeah!”

Clearly, a disrespectful manner but one that I expect from a toddler– especially in their “terrible” 2’s and 3’s. Oh yes, your daughter has only just begun because this behavior can extend to age 4 and above if not kept in check early on. I then went on to tell him with a saddened look on my face that I don’t like it when he puts on that tone with me. He smiled at that, as if he thinking that he was getting away with it for sure. I went quiet and I showed him how my facial expression became grim. At this point, he turned pale and then, I knew he understood what had just transpired – “Uh-oh, I’m in big trouble now.”

When she’s calm, the two of you can talk about how to fix what’s wrong. Make sure your husband, her grandparents, or yaya are on the same page, too. If they ignore her outbursts or appease her, she’ll never take your discipline seriously. The rare times my son pushed my patience to the edge resulted in commanding him to stand in the corner, or sit on the “naughty chair.” The amount of time he would spend standing or sitting alone equaled to his age (For example, three minutes for a 3-year-old kid). This chastisement is more effective in calling his attention than being berated with words, I guess. Jacobo would sob so hard, my husband and I would need to turn away from watching him because he would really look so pitiful. When his time is up, I sit him on my lap and calmly talk to him about why he was punished. It is important that you do this. Kids at this age need to understand that there is a cause and effect, where their behavior is concerned. I’m mindful not to make it a very lengthy or preachy episode because kids with their short span of attention may begin to miss the point of the exercise, right?

Fortunately these days, before my son is threatened by castigation to the naughty chair, he would already be reduced to penitent tears. Lucky for me, I have nipped this bad habit in the bud early in the game. So, I’m happy to say it takes very little to get my son’s attention whenever I reprimand him on his behavior. Furthermore, bratty behavior such as shouting back, kicking, and screaming over very simple mishaps that persists even after I’ve made all the effort to restore peace & order is never tolerated. My style is just to let Jacobo lay there on the floor and let him grow tired of his own ranting. I would go out of his room but before I leave, I would tell him I won’t be subjected to his ugly demeanor unless he decides to stop it. (Of course, I’m secretly watching him from the corners to make sure he doesn’t hurt himself in the process).

Now, do check if she is not feeling well or is tired, sleepy or hungry because these are also triggers for tantrums and you must go easy on her if these are the reasons. You can ignore her threatening words, denouncing your existence in her life. Never make the mistake of using the same harsh lines back to her, or making patol. Furthermore, examine how she is being looked after by the people you have surrounded her with when you are absent. Do they use those threat tactics such as what your daughter employs when she doesn’t get her way? Remember that children only learn manipulative words from caregivers they trust. If you find that this is so, do request them to refrain from this crude handling of child temperament, or at the very least, keep it to a very bare minimum. Using scare/threat tactics such as: “Fine. I don’t love you anymore” is counter-productive. This has been one of the reasons why children grow into adults needing therapy! Still, if every now and then, she tries to use her spunk and charm to wrap you around her little fingers. Just remember that it takes much persistence and consistency on your part.

It’s also good to keep in mind that your daughter is dealing with new authority figures other than you at this age like her grandparents and maybe her teachers (if you’ve enrolled her in a pre-school already). She’s being told how to hold her pencil, how to stand in line – it’s a lot for anyone to deal with, kid or adult alike.

So, don’t be surprised if she’s grumbling. She knows she’s safe showing you her true emotions. I think what matters most is that during free time try to spend cuddling moments with her – just the two of you. A child’s emotional security & stability largely depend on how she is managed by her main caregivers: her parents.